7 Ways to Deal with a Borderline Spouse

Written by Pliro
Oct 19, 2017 Last updated: Oct 24, 2017

There are often so many cases of people showcasing all or most of the symptoms of borderline personality disorder, but we fail to notice them. Moreover, we fail to address them as a whole, and choose to stick with assumptions and misconceptions. Therefore, it is extremely difficult for so many individuals to carry on their lives with people who have actual mental conditions, and are not just displaying acts of seeking attention. Let us read further to find out how to deal with a borderline spouse.

Change Your Thinking

Our primary mode of action often focuses on changing our partner’s way of thinking, if he or she has borderline personality disorder. Let’s get one thing straight. It is not as simple as that. In order to bring about a good healthy change in someone, you must first change your own way of thinking. This means that you need to think the way your partner would. Consider their every move, how they would react, how they would feel, how something might affect them differently and not affect you in the same way. Only when you start thinking like that person can you truly begin to understand the turmoils that they have to face. Furthermore, it will help you understand how they want to be treated, rather than how you’d want to treat them.

Do Not Feel Obligated to Live With Abuse

There is a fine line between dealing with a problem and living with verbal, mental and/or physical abuse. There is no reason why you should be the one living in constant fear of your own sanity or life because another person is suffering from a disorder. On several occasions, you might feel guilt on wanting to leave such a partner. Furthermore, people might try to make you feel guilty, and even responsible for your partners outbreaks. However, remember that those who are privileged enough to not be living in such conditions themselves have no right to advocate torture in any form on you. Never go to such extremes that your very life ends up in jeopardy.

Be Strong and Persistent

If you do not like something that your partner does, let them know. It is important for you to strike a balance between being kind and honest about it. However, do not give in to your partners outbursts or mood swings. In other words, don’t make your partner seem like they have become a hopeless case at any point. That would do much more damage since the BPD victim might feel like their borderline is getting the upper hand and any signs of change are being dismissed.

Voice Out the Distinction Between Person and Action

In a relationship involving a borderline spouse, it is important to be as vocal as possible. Be sure to mention to your partner that their actions do not define them. Let them know that you do not approve of a certain behavior, but that does not mean you dislike the person. Ensure the fact your partner is a good person, and that their actions need to reflect that, rather than the other way around. Give constant hope and reinforcement to your partner to not give up on themselves. Most importantly, do not let them dwell in negative thoughts and doubt themselves because of something you may have said.

Address Your Partner’s Problems and Discuss Solutions

Being honest in any relationship is crucial. Therefore, do not hide your partner’s flaws or pretend that they do not exist. Address and highlight them calmly with your partner so that they recognize them. Furthermore, discuss possible solutions and creative ways to overcome those problems. Let them feel responsible for their actions. If you try to cover up their mistakes, then they will not be motivated to change.

Keep Your Cool and Expect Paranoia

If your partner is borderline, then don’t expect them to be a calm and collected person. At least not all the time. To tackle this, you need to be the one who is calm and cool. It can be extremely easy to get frustrated and feel hopeless when your partner is being unreasonable, paranoid and obnoxious. However, you need to remember that they are being like that due to a condition, and not because they want to. Therefore, whenever they begin to act out, always take a deep breath and tell yourself that its just the BPD, nothing else. Don’t argue just for the sake of being right, because being right may worsen things most of the time. Therefore, give them time to cool down before you can explain yourself to them in a composed manner.

Make Time for Yourself

Living with a borderline spouse might make you feel obligated to devote all your time and energy towards them. However, don’t hesitate to go out, meet friends and family, talk to people, and enjoy doing things you like to do. Taking your mind off such disorders can help you deal with them with a calmer and cooler mind. Keep in mind that helping your partner requires helping yourself. If you become trapped with a problem every minute of your life, then finding solutions becomes almost impossible.

In conclusion, make sure that the process of dealing with a mental health problem does not make you forget how to love yourself. Living with a person who tends to have negative thoughts means that you need to be more positive than normal. You and your partner complete each other, which is why their flaws become your strengths and vice versa, thereby helping both of you grow as individuals.